


now I'm dead and I haven't done anything that I want (or I'm still alive and there's nothing I want to do)

by PrettyLittleMonster



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: F/M, I haven't seen any of these before, Sasha Lives AU, Sexual Harassment, This is a not!tim fic, but at what cost, but the timsasha server made me think about it, canon typical worm grossness, couple of content warnings, slightly irresponsible drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-06-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:35:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24887722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrettyLittleMonster/pseuds/PrettyLittleMonster
Summary: "Tim was... different after the Prentiss attack..."I heard Not!Tim and I couldn't help it.Content warnings: Slightly irresponsible drinking, sexual harassment, canon typical worm grossness.
Relationships: Sasha James/Tim Stoker
Comments: 4
Kudos: 23





	now I'm dead and I haven't done anything that I want (or I'm still alive and there's nothing I want to do)

**Author's Note:**

> Content warnings: Slightly irresponsible drinking, sexual harassment, canon typical worm grossness.
> 
> Title from the song "Dead" by They Might Be Giants.

Tim was... different after the Prentiss attack. 

He didn't seem to be traumatized by it exactly; in fact, he seemed to be handling it all really well considering what happened. Still, Sasha saw a change in him when she came back to work. 

She'd been quarantined for weeks. The last time she'd seen Tim, she was hurrying him out of danger, telling him to go get help; that was when the worms got to her. She could still feel them burrowing beneath her skin even once the doctors had painstakingly removed each and every squirming insect, leaving her skin peppered with little round scars. They wouldn't let her leave her hospital room for 21 slow, boring days, but when she was finally released back into the real world, the one thing she was looking forward to the most was seeing Tim again. 

She got out on a Friday. She'd texted him the day she got out asking if he wanted to grab drinks with her that night or get lunch over the weekend, but all she'd gotten back in response was, _"Wish I could, but I'm busy. See you Monday?"_

She didn't respond to that text. 

It felt petty at the time--he probably _was_ just busy--but looking back, maybe she already knew something was off. It wasn't like him to turn her down and not give a reason or at least suggest a rain check. And they hadn't seen each other in almost a month. Last time she'd been out of town for just two weeks, Tim had dropped everything to come see her the minute she got home from the airport--and that hadn't even involved both of them almost getting killed in a freaky insect attack on work property. It just didn't feel right.

By the time Monday rolled around, she'd almost brushed it off, assuming she was just overreacting to a strangely worded message. If she had replied, he probably would have explained, or asked if she wanted to go out after work on Monday, but she had gotten bitchy for no reason and left him on read. That must have been it. 

She saw him at his desk and she knew it must have all been in her head. He was still the same Tim she remembered. Same wavy, dirty blonde hair, same sharp, blue eyes, same crooked, little grin when he looked up at her. 

"Welcome back, gorgeous," he murmured, making her stomach all fluttery for just a moment. 

"Good to be back." Sasha sat down at her desk and Tim just... went back to his computer. "Feels weird though... last time we were in this room... we got eaten by worms..." She laughed, but it felt forced. Something about all this felt... off. She just couldn't place how. 

"Right, yeah, I'd almost forgot." Tim just chuckled and for some reason it made Sasha inexplicably sad...

She ended up excusing herself to get some air even though she'd only just arrived. Something felt strange, but she couldn't figure out what it was. This was just Tim. This was how he was... wasn't he? Maybe he was angry at her. Had she done something wrong? 

She wondered that for weeks. The feeling of wrongness came and went, sometimes so prominent in her mind that she could swear Tim _looked_ different, sometimes practically non-existent. But it was the worst when they went out for drinks after work on a Friday a few weeks after Sasha returned to work. 

A few other people from the institute had gone. Rosie, Hannah, Sonja--even Martin had come out--but they'd all gone home for the evening. Only Tim and Sasha were left. 

It was getting late, and she'd had perhaps one too many drinks. Not that she was wasted or anything, she just usually liked to stay fairly sharp, and she was about half a drink past that. 

"I should probably head out," she sighed, getting out of her seat. Okay, maybe she was a full drink past sharp. But she'd be fine. 

"Yeah, suppose it's getting to be that time," Tim chuckled, standing up from his seat as well. "Let me walk you home?"

"Aww, what a gentleman..." Sasha put her coat on, trying to ignore the gentle little flutter in her chest. 

They started out the door together, and you know what? She was a little tipsy, and she was feeling bold because of it, so she slipped her arm through his, holding Tim's elbow as they walked in comfortable silence. 

She wasn't quite sure how it happened. Maybe it was the alcohol. Maybe it was the sly little smile Tim gave her as she linked her arm with his. Maybe it was the way she lingered at her door, not yet wanting to unlock it and go outside and let the evening end. But somewhere in all of that, Sasha found herself pressed against the door to her flat, kissing Tim. She was tall, but he'd always been taller, and she had to crane her neck to kiss him properly. It was a little uncomfortable, but that wasn't the part that bothered her. 

No, what upset her was that kissing him didn't feel like she remembered. 

He was rougher than she'd recalled, his lips crushed against hers, hands gripping her hips and her waist. It was all happening so fast--and he never asked to kiss her. Hadn't he asked the last time this happened? She would have said yes if he had, but it felt strange that he didn't. Thinking about it made her suddenly feel trapped, his body pinning her to the door. She turned her head to break the kiss, but Tim just pressed his lips to her jaw instead.

"Why don't we take this inside?" he suggested, and the thought made Sasha feel sick for some reason. 

"No, I... I think I'm just gonna... get some sleep." To his credit, Tim pulled away when she turned him down, but he was frowning at her.

"What?" He looked so put out. 

"What do you mean, what? I don't want to." Sasha gently pushed him back and turned around, getting her keys out of her pocket and unlocking the door to her flat, but Tim came back up behind her, hands finding her waist. 

"Oh, c'mon, don't be like that, babe," he purred in her ear, and Sasha snapped back around, right up in his face. 

"I am _not_ your babe," she spat, and before he could get another word in, she stormed into her flat and slammed the door. 

She cried that night, alone in her room. She cried so hard her eyes were still puffy the next morning, her face still stained with tear tracks in the makeup she'd never bothered to wash off. She knew then that something had happened and Tim had changed. He wasn't her best friend anymore. He wasn't the person she thought maybe someday would end up being more than that. He was different, and she didn't know why and it made her want to scream. 

Soon after that incident, Tim got a new girlfriend. Sarah. Sasha didn't care, not really. They had stopped hanging out by that point, she just wished he wouldn't keep hitting on her when she knew he was in a relationship. She had to distance herself from him, just get some space and not feel so... uncomfortable every time she had to be in a room with him. So she avoided him for the most part. 

Somehow that made it worse when she found out that Tim-- _her Tim_ \--had been dead for almost a year. 

The Tim they all knew was... a falsehood. A sick, twisted creature that warped her memory of her best friend and the person she loved. A vile thing that made her hate Tim, made her think he was a slimy creep. An awful, murderous, disgusting monster that killed her Tim and became a poor imitation of him.

She could still feel its lips on hers. It made her feel sick. 

Her Tim would never have done something like that, would he? No, he would have blushed a little and asked if it was okay to kiss her, and held her so gently as he did. He would have walked her home with no expectation of anything in return. He would have been good to her... Wouldn't he?

Her memories were all messed up now. She couldn't decipher her Tim from not Tim, couldn't figure out which pieces were right and which were to an entirely different puzzle. And she tried. She spent so many night going through pictures that she knew were from before the attack, reading over every text he sent her before that thing took him, just trying to remember his face... But she couldn't ever place him. 

It got to the point where it hurt to try too much. So she stopped trying.

Sasha was... different after Tim was gone. 

And honestly? She didn't care.

**Author's Note:**

> The Timsasha server really said Tim gets not!themmed and stops drinking his respect women juice.
> 
> As always comments are very much appreciated and always make me smile! Or come yell at me on tumblr @misssashajames


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